FOLLOW THE LINK... FOLLOW JESUS
SHOOT, I can't even find the blog post that she wrote, that helped me.
but here is the verse...
Nope, can't even find that.
Lord, what is missing in my life?
I am not savvy enough to link to Lana Wildman's website, so I am sending you via my blog. I know there is a way to 'add' her as a person I follow, but I am not sure how.... yet.
I struggle with being real. So real it hurts. Who does that? But here it is, the Real me...
I am feeling really detached, and so far from everyone I have ever known. I am not talking about miles; I am talking about heart. soul.
I have issues with my mind. I do not know how to really express them. No one I talk to seems to see it, or if they do, they are polite and do not bring it up. I do not wish to be so different I am 'foreign', but That is EXACTLY how I feel.
I feel as though I am of a foreign species. Is that what we are? As a Christian, am I that different, and within the church of God, am I even more foreign still?
Who wanders without a plan?
Who leaves the comfort of a home, with no clear direction?
Who walks by faith, with no map?
Who does this?
ME. I signed up for it. I said, 'though none go with me, still I will follow'. Who am I following?
God the Father, Holy Spirit, and Jesus. ALL have been revealed to me, and I am desperately following them.
Why is it desperate? Because I am alone, and without a plan, or course or clear path.
Would I go back? NO!
When I looked up, "What is God's plan, and am I in it" or something like that Lena's post came up.
I do not know her but feel I would like too. I am so alone.
No really. So alone.
I know, "God never leaves me", "He is IN me", but when you have feelings, you know 'FEELINGS' the things that are not good or bad, they just ARE, you may not feel like He is near.
I am holding on to faith. You know Faith, the thing you can't see, but you hold on to it anyway?
It's real, because I believe it's real. It's faith because I can't see that its real. Real.
What is REAL? According to Hebrews, faith is what makes things real.
So, I have faith that one day I won't feel alone. I prayed today at 6:33pm, and wrote the time down, in case it is a spiritual 'darkness', I would know after I prayed, I was 'set free'.
Why do I need to express myself, in a blog. Why not just 'suffer in silence?". Because I am a writer.
A very alone, empty, unnecessary feeling, writer.
How does it feel to be this alone?
Like I am in solitary confinement with no one to talk too, no birds chirping, or crickets dancing, even God is silent. This is the worst. I feel as if my mind is weak like jello and not functioning. I feel detached like a leg torn from its socket, it's just there, and yes, the pan is numbing.
I also think I fear sharing, because sometimes I feel like I am in a dark place and don't want to drag anyone else down. I don't need Christian platitudes, I need prayer, and a hug and a friend to talk to.
I remember reading a blog, by Jamie, "the very worst missionary" and felt a sense of 'understanding' her very hard life. Who can we be if not our very REAL selves.
i guess I feel like someone I know will 'get me'. But right now, I am not even sure God is pleased with me. I am struggling to find my place in this life. I am struggling.
I ask myself what do I want/ need?
A bunch of money? NO, money won't answer my need to know, 'WHY AM I HERE?'
A boatload of friends? No, you can feel alone in a crowd as well as alone.
A dog? No, because then who takes care of the dog when I am traveling?
A Bible. No. I have 10. I treasure each one. I have Truth, I just am missing, 'something.'
Being filled with the Holy Spirit? No, i have the gift of tongues, I pray A LOT and now i feel, like that is missing a fullness.
OK, I did just have THIS revelation. I was awake praying until 5:30am the other day, slept for 4 hours and so I wonder... is this spiritual warfare, or just my brain being 'off' a bit from an odd sleep schedule?
I don't know, but how I feel is real. The need to know WHY I am here is HUGE!
Just in case you are wondering, yes. I am a Christian. A believer in God. I believe Yeshua Ha Mashiach is my King and will return again.
Maybe you have never been this 'alone', I am really grateful for that. This is the pits. Its sucky and my friends probably get tired of me saying, 'I just want to know my purpose'.
Lord, what am I needing? What am I missing? I felt You were speaking to me in Lana's blog post, and now I can't even find it again.
It had a photo at the top and many verses, and now I can't pinpoint that blog.
What is going on?
"Father, as a child, a very baby child, I need You. I need a good good Father to help me, teach me and allow me to see my purpose. Yet, as a baby, I realize I can't see what is coming, and I have no way of understanding anything. A baby is a baby, they eat, poop and burp. they just ARE. Then they grow up. I want to grow up. I feel like I am a baby in so many ways. I need the meat of your word, and the ability to put it in to my life and practice. Lord, God, I need help."
THIS is why I write. In writing about a baby, my prayer had an 'ah ha' moment.
A baby is not aware of the needs it has, or how they will be provided, or even who is doing the providing. The baby just 'trusts' and is fed, 'trusts' and is changed and bathed, 'trusts' and is loved. I am a baby; I too can trust.
i have nothing else to do, but trust.
Alone, I am.
Trusting God's plan, I do
I know His word is Truth and He cannot lie.
This much I know, I matter to God and as a baby grows up, he learns. I too will learn and wait until I am able to know the plan.
Why am I such a baby? Father, please grow me up.