Why I left California 2022

 

Just enjoying a cup of coffee and a fresh cookie, will you join me?

Why DID I leave CA in 2022?




"In the year 2525"... just kidding (for you children, that is a song. It's quite prophetic too). it was 1999. I left Arizona and was in California to escape the heat, the heat of Arizona was killing me. 

Literally, killing me. I had had so much stress my adrenals and thyroid were shutting down. I couldn't sweat and all that heat was trapped inside of me and I was overheated from a heat stroke, I left Arizona to find relief.

That was a help, but almost from the start, I had a desire to leave California. It didn't feel like home anymore. I was in California, as a prisoner, not a choice.
I could not leave, because I was not able to afford the cost of flying my children back to see their dad. So, I stayed and prayed. 

When my last child was 18, I hoped to leave, but my health had crashed even more, and I was not able to support myself. So, I stayed and prayed. 

When I was in my 50's I prayed about leaving, because my health had improved and I was able to minimally sustain myself, so I bought a car and drove from Southern California to Alaska (yes, over 4000 miles one way) and had a wonderful time driving and seeing sights I had never seen before. That's in a blog post on HLH.com.

While I was in Alaska, I received a call and I was asked to come to Iceland, those details are on different blog posts. 

After I returned to California from Iceland, I then flew back to Alaska. I 'felt' it was my duty to help my aging mom, so I made a fast trip from Alaska to California, and I stayed yet again in California and prayed. This is 2019. 

 




Liard River, BC 2019

Watson Lake area, Yukon 2019




newspaper article, Chicken, Alaska 2019


I wasn't sure why I was still in California, then it became apparent my dad was going to be needing more care due to his Alzheimer's and I was able to help him, once a month or so. My dad passed Dec. 2021 and I miss him, but in a distant way.

 (He had issues with me, I guess and rejected me. Pretty much all my life. I have come to accept not everyone will be on my team. It's sad, my dad wasn't, but I have grieved and now am at peace about it.) 

I again, stayed and prayed. I had one objective in staying, follow God's path for me. 

I had resentment, anger, hurt, rejection and frustrations to deal with, so I..... Stayed and prayed. When life closes doors, you stay in your room. 

(You may be thinking, all this praying was doing nothing. You would be wrong. I was changing. God was changing my perspective, teaching me and counseling me with His Holy Spirit. I was in life school, and God was healing my heart of hurts and abuses.)

I finally became more peaceful and began to accept, my life was not going to change unless I became 'at peace' with my life, and so I began to enjoy the good things of California. The camping nearby, the stream to play in nearby, family and friends close by for lunch or movies out and fellowship with Believers. 

I still felt alone, I knew my 'being alone' was in preparation for my future. 
 

I don't know anyone else that is alone as much as me, some by choice and some by circumstance. I am not bitter about that, It's part of my recovery and social needs. 

I needs to be alones A LOT. I know not why. Maybe my brain got cooked, or my emotions became less strong. It doesn't matter, I spend hours and hours and days and days alone. Not even a dog for company. (I am friendly with dogs and a bit of a Dog whisperer, this dog photo was my friend in Chicken, Alaska for a while.)

Camp dog, 2019


God is with me. I know this for sure. In this quiet time, I am free to live and explore my life in Christ. 

So, really, I am Never alone. i can feel lonely, if my people don't call, but I am not alone, EVER. I have found the difference between alone and lonely. I hope you have too. 

@lovedhomestead


60 days ago, I gave my notice to my landlord and packed up, sold, or gave away my things. I have some things in a free storage and hopefully I will one day have a place of my own. 

I left California, it took 23 years of waiting and praying. I am happy to be out of a place I didn't feel was healthy for me. I don't know what area is next, but I am free to decide.

I do not miss it at all, I miss my loving children. I can chat with them on the phone though. I can get letters, and emails. I appreciate and miss my family and friends, and now I have others to join me in my journey called life. 

I hear them:
"You need to get out more, you spend so much time alone, you need to get out of the house."

I can, but I don't do that. Maybe next week I will. Today I am resting my heart. 
I usually read, watch TV, or rest, journal, write a blog and shed a tear or two. I feel worn out. If I had a car, I would drive, travel, sight see and 'be running around' like a chicken with her head cut off. I am saving so much money, by not having a car!


I am not depressed, just worn out. This is my 'left turn' away from my peers. I don't work, travel, have a dog or a husband. I know of a few friends that are alone, but I've never heard them say, "I wait and pray, I want a bigger life."

I have such BIG dreams and hopes, and I wait to see what is next. WAIT. Oh man, it must be a call from God, it hurts 'me'. I would never choose this for anyone, I would say, 

"Live a Godly life in Christ Jesus. Don't dream SO BIG. . . No, I would NOT say that. I would say, Wait on God and Pray for open doors. BIG ole hanging DOORS!"

Wait and pray. 

I left California and now live in a beautiful and friendly area. People here are kind, friendly and helpful. Really helpful. 

The taxi service is $10 for 5 miles. I can go to town for $10 and yet I don't. I stay indoors, a bit more than I need to. It's just for a time. A season.

I did go out for walks, but now I rest. I don't know if I am lethargic or sick, but I feel unenthusiastic and need to do more than I do. I will. Just not today. 

Let me be me, I don't need a push, I need a pillow. I just need to be able to do nothing after decades of pleasing, being pushed, or abused. I need to be able to rest. It's ok. I don't want it to be forever, and maybe you don't need rest at all.

Please allow me to be me, so I can be the best Child of God in Christ Jesus, I can be. 

I seek God, I wait and pray. 


Shalom, Shalom





P.S. I realize this is a real, post, and somewhat sad. I am sharing my story and I realize maybe you feel this way too. Maybe you feel, so alone, but not desperate. I hope you don't feel desperate. 

Feel the feels and reach out if needed. 

Call Air1 1-888-937-2471

Call Focus on the Family 1-800-232-6459

Call a friend
Call if you feel desperate. 

I know that feeling, I encourage you to feel life's highs and lows and try to accept life in this moment. Please try to live in this moment. Please be honest, we want you alive! 




#nomoresuicide
#suicidenomore
#helpisaphonecallaway
#reachout
#godlovesyou


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